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A tale of the Kingdom of Middle and the lost $1.l million: Ed O'Connor

Posted 4/3/19

Once upon a time there was a tidy sum of money in the Kingdom of Middle. Then somebody discovered that it was missing.

But wait. The aristocrats had no idea what happened to the paltry sum of …

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A tale of the Kingdom of Middle and the lost $1.l million: Ed O'Connor

Posted

Once upon a time there was a tidy sum of money in the Kingdom of Middle. Then somebody discovered that it was missing.

But wait. The aristocrats had no idea what happened to the paltry sum of $1.1 million. They looked at each other and scratched their collective heads. The peasants were not happy with the missing tax revenue. “To where have the funds disappeared?” they cried. “Oh, do not worry. It is here. It is just misplaced. No, it is not really lost. We know where it is … we are just not telling you,” the nobility sneered.

Now what can the peasants do? What course of action can they take?

Well, they could get together and compose a song. The lyrics could go something like this:

“Where has all the money gone? Long time missing …

Where has all the money gone? We are not to know …

Where has all the money gone? Can’t ask council …

When will we ever learn? When will we ever learn?”

Somehow these words just happen to fit the 1955 Pete Seeger song “Where Have All The Flowers Gone,” which was recorded by artists too numerous to mention in the 1960s. Go ahead, sing along.

Or instead of “Where’s Waldo?” they could play “Where’s the Dinero?” (that’s the Spanish word for money). The winner could receive a year’s worth of electricity from the MEM (Middletown Electric Monopoly), maximum prize to be no more than $867.43 per month, including tax.

Now, darn it. Where could those misplaced Benjamins be hiding?

• The 10 or so lawsuits that the fiefdom was involved with last year that cost about $1 million? (With a population of 8,901, that is $112.35 for every man woman and child in town).

• The Suez? When I went to school, we were taught that the Suez was a canal located in Egypt.

• The $400-an-hour Philadelphia lawyers?

• In somebody else’s checking account — not mine.

• Employee severance fees?

• The $15,000 raise for the Middletown finance director?

• Money to buy back issues of the Press & Journal for council’s newspaper burning?

• Hush money to have the Russians collude in the next Middletown election?

• The Robert Mueller witch hunt crying towel crowd?

• The “Save The TMI Union Jobs” fund?

Where’s the loot? Your guess is as good as mine. I see now why you must pay higher property taxes.

Elections, Cuenca style

Here in Cuenca, voting is today, Sunday, for local officials. There are 12 people running for mayor. Two candidates on the ballot include the only Ecuadorean to ever win an Olympic gold medal and the current mayor. We have to see which one of the dozen nitwits will win.

In the last election, the current mayor’s main campaign promise was to stop the construction of the low-speed train, the tranvia, through the heart of the city. He won on that platform.

Five years later: Hundreds of closed businesses due to train construction, three years behind the scheduled completion date, and $30 million to $50 million above the $250 million proposed cost.

The train he pledged to stop will now be a reality. When it will be ready for paying passengers would make an excellent lottery game.

It seems everywhere politicians are the same — as straight as a corkscrew.

To my fan club — we are considering selling all our belongings and traveling for a year. This game plan just may come to fruition as there is a couple interested in acquiring all our furnishings as a package deal. I’ll keep you informed so you know where to send my yearly card. Maybe it is time for another adventure.

Update: In the race for mayor of Cuenca, an unknown won with a whopping 28 percent of the vote. Not exactly a mandate.

Another Update: We did indeed sell all the contents of our apartment and will be moving on. But to where? Enquiring minds want to know. Stay tuned.

Random thoughts

Did you know that Facebook recognizes 58 different genders? Can you please tell me where the other 56 came from? Even I can’t make up stuff like this.

From the “This and That Department”: People who I have never met:

• Liberal fighter pilots

• Born-again atheists

• Professional athletes that play “for the love of the game”

• Anti-American NASCAR drivers

Also, did you ever notice that there are no Democrats on Mount Rushmore?

You have heard of the Witness Protection Program? Right? There is now a new program called the Witless Protection Program. It was designed for convicted liberals.

Have you seen the new television series targeting welfare recipients, “American Idle”?

Odds and ends

Oh, boy. April 15 approaches. It’s that time of year again when the government agencies get to extract their pound of flesh. God only asked for 10 percent. But apparently the politicians are wiser and know better than the creator.

When the mafia does it, it is called extortion. When the government does it, it is called taxation. Question? Have you ever heard of the mafia running a deficit? Maybe we should let organized crime run the various governments.

So, Pennsylvania made medical marijuana legal in 2016 and opened pot dispensaries in 2018. I see now that a bill has been introduced or soon will be to make the recreational use of the weed legal. If passed will you be able to grow your own legally? Want to grow your own dope? Plant a liberal.

I saw the walls — that is, sound barriers — along Interstate 81 to keep the traffic noise out. But some of the wonderful legislators in Washington are against walls to keep the illegal, invading hordes out of the country. How about if we call the border walls sound barriers? Will that make the left happy?

Your racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, misogynist buddy … Eddy O

Ed O’Connor, a former resident of Middletown and Lower Swatara Township, is an expatriate living in Cuenca, Ecuador.