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Rain, earthquakes and why Pennsylvania isn’t a good place to live: Ed O'Connor

Posted 2/27/19

I’ve been housebound now for 13 days, and that’s not a lucky number.

It all happened after I was viciously attacked on Feb. 9. While walking along the Tomebamba River path at 2 a.m., …

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Rain, earthquakes and why Pennsylvania isn’t a good place to live: Ed O'Connor

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Posted

I’ve been housebound now for 13 days, and that’s not a lucky number.

It all happened after I was viciously attacked on Feb. 9. While walking along the Tomebamba River path at 2 a.m., all of a sudden I was accosted by an angry group of leftists upset about me wearing “The Hat.” They started to pummel me and pulled my TAMA (Tax America More Again) hat from my head and stomped it in the dirt, put the strap of a handbag around my neck, then doused me with fabric softener, all the while chanting, “This is Bernie country! This is Bernie country!”

They also called me a brute, a savage and other strange adjectives that I did not recognize. But before disappearing into the inky darkness, they gave me a new hat that read “TAMMA” (Tax America Much More Again).

I went to the nearby police station and filed a report. The cops went back with me to the scene of the incident and saw my ruined, muddy hat on the ground just as I described. I was given a ticket for littering.

So, I’m now recuperating from all the bruises. I never knew being hit by multiple purses could inflict this much damage. I had MK, Coach and Prada marks all over my body.

The only positive outcome of this harrowing experience is that Fox Sports is considering having me write a teleplay about the incident, but want me to change the location and other pertinent facts, for a new, upcoming TV series, “Umpire.”

Maybe you first saw this reported on FNN, PMSNBC or other MSM (main-slime media) outlets.

To be accurate, I am recovering from a bout with pneumonia, but didn’t the above narrative capture your interest and imagination more than the truth? Nothing like that could ever happen in real life, especially in America, right?

Swept away in the rain

Rain! Wow! Did it rain! We have friends from Wisconsin that vacation here every January/February for five weeks. They were visiting us when a storm broke loose. We had 4.25 inches in 80 minutes.

There was flooding, and more than half the city lost either power, water or both. Luckily, we lost neither.

After two hours of the inundation, there was a slight break in the weather, so they ordered a cab and returned to their suite. Unfortunately, on the way back it started pouring again and their taxi was pulled over by the Coast Guard.

A shaky morning

“Shake, Rattle and Roll.” That’s what happened at 5:19 a.m. Feb. 22 when a 7.5 earthquake occurred on the Peruvian border about 175 miles from Cuenca.

One aftershock followed, plus another unrelated tremor with magnitudes in the 6 range. I had to get up and steady the television so it wouldn’t fall from the entertainment center. The glassware sounded like Tinker Bell was in the apartment.

Overall, it shook like a liberal taking communion.

Going green could be great

With St. Patrick’s Day swiftly approaching, and having heard about the Green New Deal, I was really looking forward to hearing about all the great things that would be done for the 35 million Irish-Americans. Imagine all the free stuff we would be getting: potatoes, cabbage, corned beef, Irish whisky and green beer! That lady had me in her corner — especially when I saw she had been a bartender.

Much to my chagrin, I saw her name. Just a minute. I’ve been hoodwinked. My hopes and dreams were dashed. She’s not Irish. She’s as much Irish as that other woman is Native American. Ya just can’t trust those libtards.

The fine state of Pennsylvania

Since you all, or y’all, are too busy working or watching “Empire,” “Dancing With The Stars” or “The Big Bang Theory,” do not fret. I have done the research for you and compiled some interesting statistics, facts and figures for your consumption. Please don’t shoot the messenger.

• Of the 15 least-expensive states in which to live, Pennsylvania didn’t make the list. (cheatsheet.com)

• Of the most expensive states to get divorced, Pennsylvania is No. 11 with a cost of $14,300. (24/7wallst.com)

• Of the best states for business, Pennsylvania was ranked No. 39. (24/7wallst.com)

• With a median salary of $63,121, Pennsylvania teachers are the 12th highest paid in the United States. (24/7wallst.com)

• With a median salary of $37,540, Pennsylvania workers are No. 21 in the USA (24/7wallst.com)

• With a per-pupil cost of $15,291, Pennsylvania is the ninth-highest in the United States. (24/7wallst.com)

• Middletown’s per pupil expenditure is $16,659. (niche.com)

• In Middletown, student reading proficiency is 62 percent and math proficiency is 48 percent. (niche.com)

• Of the literate states, Pennsylvania ranks No. 32. (24/7wallst.com)

• Of the states with the worst infrastructure, Pennsylvania is No. 4. (24/7wallst.com)

• Of the 25 safest cities in the United States with a population of 100,000 or more, none were in Pennsylvania. (24/7wallst.com)

• Of the best run states in the United States, Pennsylvania was ranked No. 36. (24/7wallst.com)

• Pennsylvania is the 20th most expensive state in which to retire — to live comfortably a couple needs an annual income of $42,754. (24/7wallst.com)

• Pennsylvania has the 12th highest property tax in the United States. (24/7wallst.com)

Ready to race

Feb. 17 was the Great American Race, the Daytona 500.

I have really developed into quite a car race aficionado. It was quite refreshing to watch a sporting event where there was prayer before the event … the drivers, drivers’ families and crews stood during the National Anthem. There was no kneeling. The fans stood, removed their hats and held them over their hearts while the Star-Spangled Banner was played. There wasn’t a single social justice bedwetter to be seen.

Stopped by immigration police

Olga and I went to a local market (not supermarket) to get some fruits and vegetables. These markets are where the locals have individual stalls and sell their produce, meats, cheeses, seafood, etc.

As we were leaving, we were stopped by two immigration police. They asked to see our identification or passports. For the first time ever, Olga didn’t have hers in her purse. Now what? I produced my ID, which had her listed as my wife. They took my card and ran it through their hand-held computer. After they were convinced that we did not enter the country illegally, we were released with a mild warning.

Who says border walls don’t work? The Chinese built one more than 2,000 years ago and they don’t have any illegal Mexicans in their country.

Until the next full moon … Eddy O

Ed O’Connor, a former resident of Middletown and Lower Swatara Township, is an expatriate living in Cuenca, Ecuador.